There Is Another Way: How Divorce Mediation Spares Families from Rancor
A powerful article in Mishpacha magazine highlights an often-overlooked alternative to the adversarial divorce process: mediation. The piece, “There Is Another Way”, explores how mediation can spare families from the ugliness, rancor, and financial devastation that so often accompany divorce proceedings.
The Problem with Traditional Divorce
The article opens with a heartbreaking account from Meira, who was 11 when her parents divorced. Her family was “absolutely decimated” by a brutal court battle that lasted for years. Her mother’s family enlisted askanim (community activists) in what became a “holy war” against her father, fought to “save the neshamos” of the children.
The consequences were devastating:
- Her parents were still fighting in court when she got married years later, with no money for the wedding
- Her father’s parents took out a reverse mortgage to fund his defense
- There was no money for her brothers’ bar mitzvahs
- Two of her brothers and one sister are not religious today
- Two siblings married non-Jews
- 23 years later, she’s the only one of eight children on speaking terms with everyone
When Meira faced her own divorce years later, she was determined: “We’re not stepping foot into court. I will not take that ugly route at any cost.”
What Is Mediation?
Unlike litigation, collaborative law, or arbitration, mediation takes a fundamentally different approach: its objective is for both sides to win. A mediator facilitates joint conversations where the couple works together to design a post-divorce life that works for both parties and promotes the emotional health of all family members.
How It Works
- The couple together hires a neutral mediator
- The process typically takes three to six sessions over several months
- The mediator facilitates issue-by-issue discussions
- The goal is to walk out with a signed agreement that can be processed in court
- The bigger goal is to avoid bitterness and lay groundwork for stable co-parenting
As Rabbi B.Z. Halberstam, a pro bono mediator in Clifton, NJ, explains: “A mediation is successful when both parties feel they’ve given up on something they are otherwise entitled to”—but the long-term benefit far outweighs the sacrifice.
The Major Benefits
Ilana Blass, a family law attorney, divorce coach, and mediator in Monsey, NY, outlines several key advantages:
1. Agency and Control
“With mediation you have agency over your own decisions,” Blass says. “No outside party (such as a court or beis din) is dictating the terms of your life. You get to decide what you can live with, and what’s not negotiable. At a time when one’s life is so out of control, having some degree of control makes the final outcome much more acceptable emotionally.”
2. Speed and Cost
Mediation is significantly quicker and less expensive than traditional litigation. This is particularly important for families already facing financial strain.
3. Foundation for Co-Parenting
Perhaps most importantly, mediation lays the groundwork for successful co-parenting. During mediation sessions, couples learn how to:
- Negotiate and resolve issues together
- Stretch and compromise
- Create a template for future cooperation
- Establish a trusted address for post-divorce mediation if needed
4. Reduced Bitterness
By working together rather than against each other, couples can avoid the rancor that so often poisons future co-parenting relationships.
When Mediation Works
Mediation is most effective when:
- Both partners are healthy and peace-seeking
- Both are willing to do really hard work
- Neither party is a tyrant or bully
- Both can be forward-thinking and emotionally mature
- Both can focus on the bigger picture
When Mediation Doesn’t Work
Blass is clear about when mediation is not appropriate:
- If one spouse is a tyrant or bully
- If one side has such an upper hand that the other agrees to every demand
- If there’s a threat of manipulation or coercion
- If the weaker party needs a defender
As Blass explains: “If he’s going to threaten or manipulate her afterward, will she feel free to take a stand for herself in the session? A weaker party needs a defender—so mediation won’t work in these cases.”
Religious Considerations
The article highlights how mediators in Orthodox Jewish communities handle religious differences between divorcing parents—a common source of conflict.
Rabbi Yitzchok Gruenebaum, a professional mediator in Suffern, NY, and others work to create agreements that respect both parents’ religious standards while prioritizing children’s wellbeing. The key principles include:
- Acceptance Over Enforcement: Trying to enforce stricter standards when a child visits can backfire, pushing the child toward the less restrictive parent
- Consistency Matters: Children need consistency between school and home
- Respectful Communication: Parents must avoid pitting children against the other parent through negative comments about religious practices
As one mediator warns: “If you want to stay connected to your kids and have a chance at influencing them, you need to accept them where they are.”
The Child’s Perspective
The article emphasizes a crucial principle: “Look at every decision through your kids’ eyes.”
Meira shares a powerful example: When her son turned bar mitzvah, she invited her ex-husband and his extended family to the celebration. “It wasn’t easy for me,” she says, “but my son told me many times that the absolute highlight of his bar mitzvah—better than the Israel trip and all the presents—was seeing me and my ex standing together and laughing over a comment someone made. The incident lasted less than a minute, but it created a massive impact on him.”
Setting the Stage for a “Good Divorce”
The article outlines key principles for a successful mediation:
- Child-Focused Decisions: Every choice should be evaluated through the lens of what’s best for the children
- Extended Family as Blessing: Children should never be forced to choose between family members
- Positive Momentum: Starting with a child-focused, peaceful approach creates momentum that carries forward
- Respectful Communication: Even when parents disagree, they must model respect for each other
The Long-Term Impact
The article makes clear that the approach taken during divorce has lasting consequences:
- Adversarial divorces create patterns of conflict that are hard to reverse
- Peaceful divorces set the stage for healthy co-parenting and children’s emotional wellbeing
- Children’s outcomes are directly impacted by how their parents navigate the divorce process
As Meira reflects: “Mediation lines up perfectly with Torah values—of not holding a grudge, not causing a fellow Jew pain, of seeking peace. It offers a guidepost for living like a Yid, even through the toughest times.”
Why This Matters for Our Mission
This article highlights a critical alternative to the adversarial family court system that our organization has long advocated against. Mediation represents:
- A way to avoid court battles that often harm children
- A method that gives parents control rather than handing decisions to judges
- A process that prioritizes children’s wellbeing over winning
- An approach that aligns with our values of protecting families and children
Key Takeaways
- Mediation offers a viable alternative to adversarial divorce proceedings
- It requires both parties to be willing and able to work together
- It’s not appropriate in cases of abuse or power imbalance
- It can save families from years of conflict and financial devastation
- It sets the foundation for successful co-parenting
- It protects children from the trauma of contentious divorces
For Families Considering Divorce
If you’re facing divorce and considering your options:
- Explore mediation as a first option if both parties are willing
- Seek qualified mediators who understand your community’s needs
- Prioritize your children’s wellbeing in every decision
- Consider the long-term impact of your choices
- Remember that cooperation benefits everyone, especially your children
Conclusion
The Mishpacha article provides a powerful reminder that there is indeed another way. While divorce is always painful, it doesn’t have to be protracted, ugly, or financially devastating. Mediation offers families a path forward that:
- Gives parents agency over their decisions
- Protects children from unnecessary trauma
- Lays the groundwork for healthy co-parenting
- Aligns with values of peace and respect
- Avoids the long-term damage of adversarial proceedings
For families who can make it work, mediation represents a way to end a marriage while preserving relationships, protecting children, and maintaining dignity—something that should be the goal of every divorce process.
If you’re considering divorce and want to learn more about mediation or other alternatives to adversarial court proceedings, contact our organization at support@endccc.org or call our helpline at 1-800-FAMILIES.
To access resources on custody arrangements, co-parenting, and family court alternatives, visit our resources page.